Deep Breath

Here’s a quick preface- I hope you find relatable content through this format, and maybe see things from a different point of view. I plan on this being raw look into my journey, life and what lies for me ahead. FYI: I have no idea what the future holds just like everyone else. This content will also cover current events and people that inspire, including everything from food and culture to body positivity and acknowledgement / what those things actually mean. There is plenty of time for that, so I won’t get ahead of myself. These postings will all be true stories of either my life or others. I hope to invoke positivity, humility and intention throughout this blog and in our daily experiences.

 

Sometimes I speak before I think. Sometimes I actually feel others’ pain inside of me. Sometimes I write poetry but haven’t in a long time. This is how I felt after taking a long breath. 

 

Deep Breath

She sits and waits for the dust to settle,

To find a respectful moment to call attention to the elephant in the room.

The elephant is alive and well, it’s name is Humanity.

Humanity is anxious and the walls are closing in on us all.

How will we be tested in these moments?

What if what we believe is right,

Turns out to be wrong.

We are only humans

In the room with an elephant

 and only one world to share together.

 

-AA

 

 

 

 

From the beginning… let’s do this

Hello Readers of my new blog!

 

Here’s a quick preface- I hope you find relatable content through this format, and maybe see things from a different point of view. I plan on this being raw look into my journey, life and what lies for me ahead. FYI: I have no idea what the future holds just like everyone else. This content will also cover current events and people that inspire, including everything from food and culture to body positivity and acknowledgement / what those things actually mean. There is plenty of time for that, so I won’t get ahead of myself. These postings will all be true stories of either my life or others. I hope to invoke positivity, humility and intention throughout this blog and in our daily experiences.

 

According to life, my plans never work out anyways.

We’ll start from the beginning, I had graduated high school and was going to college at ACU in Abilene, TX. Six months into my freshman year I was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis and ended up having to withdraw from school after having a seizure in my dorm. Full disclosure, I was in the doorway of a new girl’s dorm room when I had my seizure. What a fun way to welcome her to the dorm, right? I probably scarred her for life. ANYWAYS, I came back the next spring semester full-time and worked full-time waitressing while finishing my freshman year up. During summer break I transferred waitressing locations to San Antonio. Fast forward through the whole summer- I had worked, played and was ready to get back to school in the next couple of weeks. Just when I thought things were going swimmingly, I slipped in the kitchen of the restaurant from a puddle of water that had been sitting on the floor. The resulted in me “shattering” my elbow, which required bone graft surgery, a cast and physical therapy.

I COULD NOT CATCH A DAMN BREAK. All I wanted to do was catch up in school and these deterrents kept coming my way. This was a point in my life where I was very low and depressed, I felt if I didn’t return to school I would be a failure. This a common concept of mine that if things don’t go according to my plan that has meant I failed. It’s something I continue to work on but face every so often. It was a point in time where I had to truly think about where I wanted my life to go, what kind of person I would be coming out of this. Do I even believe in signs from the universe, and what does that even mean to me? No matter what I believed this was a sign that I wasn’t going to be able to return to school  I would have to think of what my next step would be. Long story short, I ended up having to rehabilitate myself. It was a lot of hard work and sign language learning while I was in a full elbow cast but eventually after about a year I was back full mobility again (which the doctors were not sure I would ever have).

Basically, I felt like I just kept getting kicked down over and over again while trying to pursue education after high school. College honestly never felt like it was the right thing for me right after high school, but I went along with it anyways and this is what the universe returned with. My husband likes to remind me that whenever things go wrong that my plans have never worked out anyways and he’s completely right. Who made him queen of the world?! Although he wasn’t in the picture yet, there was a part of me that kept thinking that I’m being pulled in a different direction anyways, away from San Antonio and everything I’ve known.

I was fed up to put it nicely. That was it. I had decided that fine I won’t make plans on going back to school, but I will make plans for a different kind of change. I was ready to take on a new adventure, no matter what it meant or what I could lose. I wasn’t passionate about my job at the gym where I had done my rehabilitation while working with kids and I wasn’t in any kind of serious relationship. That’s about all I needed in order to kick myself in the ass to do something about it. It felt like an unknown force had been pulling me away from San Antonio. I felt detached. I’m assuming most of you reading this know me, but this journey changed me and molded me into a person who seeks growth, knowledge and compassion around every corner. Maybe I couldn’t find those qualities in myself before these moments in comparison to now when I find myself asking with intention where my next challenge will lie, what can I learn next, and who can I help along in their own journey.

San-Antonio-Riverwalk-evening

As much as I love San Antonio, breakfast tacos, Los Spurs and of course my family, I felt there was anything there for me anymore. I know that may sound selfish but that’s because it was. I wanted more and I finally had an opportunity to make something happen for myself. So I decided to take a leap of faith, move away from my family and friends and see what else the world had in store for me since school wasn’t working out. I felt pressure to stay in San Antonio when people started finding out about my plans to move to Seattle, and some even said I would never do it. Which if you know me, only made me want to take on this new phase with fury.

My journey from San Antonio to Seattle is a long one and the concept was something I manifested over several years while in high school and throughout college. With a show like Grey’s Anatomy (which I was obsessed with like so many) it showed the beauty of the Pacific Northwest and it was nothing like this Texan girl has ever seen before. I watched the show for years and  I knew in my heart that I would have to go there, live there, “make it there”. My best friend at the time had been there before and LOVED it. Told me how beautiful the scenery was and how poppin’ Seattle life was. Of course I had to go there. I knew nobody, had never been there but felt like it was the thing for me to do. Crazy right? Right, but I did it anyways.

I’ve also made plenty of mistakes along the way of course, but hey that’s what learning is for.

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Little did I know, the opportunity to move to Seattle came faster than I had imagined and it felt as if the next thing I knew I was all packed up with a Penske truck, apartment waiting for me along with two job interviews I hoped I would get offers from. A close friend and I drove across our beautiful country in order to make this dream I had come true. Along the whole trip there was this underlying sense of surrealness and anxiousness. This was manifestation coming to fruition. I had felt so brave and confident leading up to the big move. I had said goodbye to everyone that meant something to me, and knew that this would define me in many ways. That was up until the night before I left for the trip. I had the best intentions to stay cool and collected but in reality that never happens to me. The stress had built up so deep within me, it filled me with all of this self-doubt. Ultimately the night ended with me crying in my mommy’s arms and asking her why she would let me do something so crazy like this. She believed in me, and trusted that I had made the right decision for myself.  She was wise as usual and asked me if I cancelled everything, would I regret not at least trying? The answer was yes, yes, of course yes. I was scared, nervous and excited.. all of those big emotions you feel before you make a life changing decision but I was all in.

I was 20 when I moved across the country, and looking back (now that I am so much older and wiser at the ripe age of 24) I can see why people kept telling me how “brave” I was, because that is what it seemed but it felt like it was a chapter of my life I was ready to delve into. A chapter that I knew existed that I hadn’t been able to explore yet and there had been this internal anticipation brewing. It didn’t feel brave, it felt necessary. Of course I had no idea what the next year of my life would look like at that point. To be honest, the first year in Seattle was one of the hardest of my life. “How crazy of me to think that I could actually make this idea work”- I thought this to myself almost every day the first 6 months and it felt like maybe this wasn’t the right thing for me. I thought perhaps this was just something I had to try and learn from. There was always the option that I could go back home to San Antonio talk about my 6 months of travel and inside feel like a failure. But that moment never came. I was closer to coming back to San Antonio than ever.. and then I met Denis. Life and love is complicated and hard as hell. Sometimes things are beautiful and everything feels so special with being in love. And then life comes around and shakes things up to the point where it makes you dizzy. I’ll come back to him and our journey with each other in a separate posting but basically it just all felt like my life had been leading me to this moment.. to him and to Seattle.

Sometimes we just have to find the courage in ourselves. Spontaneously it rises up, and the things you may have been looking for externally were internal all along. Your strength truly lies within. I’ve found that we all know what we want but fears get in the way. And to those fears I invite you to:

Move to that new city.

Take that entrepreneurial risk.

Wear that daring outfit.

Wear make-up.

Don’t wear make-up.

Become brave, just do it and you’ll figure out everything you’ve ever needed is within yourself. The second best thing you can do is find someone who sees your beauty, or bravery or passion after you have already found it within yourself. It takes a while to get there for many, but the journey is so worth it. Let me end on this note, life really is too short to not do everything that makes you happy. Happiness will come with risks and failures but your heart will be full and your life will be filled with impactful moments instead of regrets. This message is universal and not only directed towards women.

To all, this about becoming the best version of yourself and it is priceless.

 

Thank you for reading, this is a story I have been wanting to share for over 3 years now and it is my hope that we can learn from our failures individually in order to make ourselves stronger, kinder and more compassionate humans with eachother. 

Please subscribe, share and stay tuned for my next post!